The infamous Xopl dot com.

national security

<< May 23, 2006 @ 09:42 >>

I've seen the light folks. I was wrong. I want to put this right out there in the open.

Look, there are terrorists out there. Terrorists who have sworn, and whose self-proclaimed mission, is the destruction of the United States. They have shown that they are willing to kill innocent Americans.

I was wrong to complain about Bush's terrorist surveillance program. I shouldn't even be talking about it because it gives aid to the terrorists, but since I've already done that damage, let me issue some retractions.

First of all, if al Qaeda is calling somebody in the United States, we need to know who that person is and why they're talking to terrorists. Second of all, Bush needs the records of every phone call ever made by every American so that the government can find the people who have been talking to terrorists, and so that they can find the leakers who have endangered us all by telling reporters about these programs. Finally, the terrorists are communicating over the internet, too. Not just by phone. So, in order to prevent another attack, we need to sift through all that network traffic to find out what the terrorists are saying. And the terrorists might be using computers at libraries or other techniques to conceal their identities, so it is better to just scan all the network traffic and look for suspicious conversations. Remember, Bush isn't interested in the lives or ordinary Americans. Besides, if you aren't doing anything illegal, then why do you care if the government is watching you?

Ok, with that correction on the books, I'd like to move forward. I'm very concerned that our government is again not doing enough to keep us safe. The treasonous reporters and leakers have announced these three distinct surveillance capabilities (wire taps, phone records, and internet scanning) and so now the terrorists know that they can't use those channels of communication. Terrorists wouldn't be stupid enough to try snail mailing eachother, so that is out. The terrorists are going to turn to other means to plan their attacks now, and clearly the only channel left is direct communication. They're going to plan secret meetings in cafes and on street corners or in their mosques. But then again, we've got cameras and microphones on the street corners or on agents in the field. So we're likely to catch them in all those places, too.

So what's left then? I think it is pretty clear. Where is the only place left in your daily life that doesn't have a camera there looking out for terrorists and keeping you safe? Your house! More specifically, your bedroom and bathroom. The terrorists are going to leave secret messages for eachother in bathrooms, in showers, in bedroom closets... Clearly, if we want to be secure and safe as a Nation, if we want to stop these people from doing what they've shown the willingness to do -- kill innocent Americans -- then we're going to have to put cameras up in every bathroom, in every shower, in every bedroom in this country. It's the only way to catch them. We especially need the cameras in public bathrooms, such as those at malls. We need cameras in the showers at public gyms. We need to cover the places where these terrorists messages could be passed under cover.

I'm specifically also worried about the female terrorist threat. Al Qaeda isn't the only terrorist organisation sworn to destroy the USA. There are female muslim terrorists in Georgia, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia. We'd never see it coming! We need to make sure we are surveilling likely meeting points for these female agents of terror. We need to put cameras and microphones in women's restrooms and locker rooms at public gyms. We need to put cameras in showers to catch terrorist women whispering plans to eachother.

I know this is a big step, but if we don't do absolutely everything we can to stop the next terrorist attack, we'll be left with another 9/11 on our hands and it will be our fault. Worse, the smoking gun this time might be a mushroom cloud.

I know most of you aren't terrorists. And you might not think the government needs to watch you in the bathroom, or in the shower, or in the bedroom, but hey, if you aren't doing anything wrong, and you don't have anything to hide, then what does it matter if the government is spying on you? Bush isn't going to meddle with the lives of ordinary Americans. If you aren't a terrorist, you have nothing to worry about.

UPDATE: Yes, we have to protect the right of Americans, but remember: you can't shower or go to the bathroom in private when you're dead.